“Trust everybody, but cut the cards.”
“Don't jump on a man unless he is down.”
“Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.”
“The past always looks better than it was because it isn't here.”
“A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable.”
“It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.”
“The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.”
“Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.”
“Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.”
“A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case.”
“The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.”
“Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.”
“One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.”
“A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.”