“The urge to save humanity is almost always only a false face for the urge to rule it.”
“A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank.”
“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.”
“Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.”
“There are two kinds of books. Those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read.”
“No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.”
“Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.”
“The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.”
“I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.”
“Nothing is so abject and pathetic as a politician who has lost his job, save only a retired stud-horse.”
“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what They want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”
“A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.”
“Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.”
“If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.”
“Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.”
“Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.”
“Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.”
“Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.”
“Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.”
“I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.”
“The curse of man, and the cause of nearly all his woe, is his stupendous capacity for believing the incredible.”
“The chief knowledge that a man gets from reading books is the knowledge that very few of them are worth reading.”
“It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.”
“War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.”
“How little it takes to make life unbearable: a pebble in the shoe, a cockroach in the spaghetti, a woman's laugh.”
“Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.”
“One horse-laugh is worth ten thousand syllogisms. It is not only more effective; it is also vastly more intelligent.”
“Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.”
“I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.”
“Before a man speaks, it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks it is seldom necessary to assume.”