“My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!”
“If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
“I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.”
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”