“I am at two with nature.”
“Marriage is the death of hope.”
“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”
“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”
“My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.”
“I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.”
“Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.”
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
“It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.”
“If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.”
“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.”
“I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
“It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.”
“A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.”
“In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”
“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.”
“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
“Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”
“I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.”