“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”
“Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.”
“I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.”
“Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.”
“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.”
“I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me.”
“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.”
“There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.”
“One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.”
“I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”
“Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
“My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.”
“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”
“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”
“There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.”
“Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”
“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”
“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.”
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”
“I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.”