“I drink to forget I drink.”
“I always wake up at the crack of ice.”
“It pays to get drunk with the best people.”
“I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.”
“Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.”
“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.”
“I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.”
“There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.”
“You only live once -- but if you work it right, once is enough.”
“Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.”
“You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.”
“A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.”
“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
“It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor -- as long as you've got money.”
“I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.”
“I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.”
“Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.”
“Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.”
“I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.”
“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.”
“They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.”