“Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.”
“My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?”
“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”
“The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.”
“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”
“Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with.”
“I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.”
“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”
“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”
“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”
“W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.”