“As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for.”
“There's lots of people who spend so much time watching their health, they haven't got time to enjoy it.”
“About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.”
“If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.”
“The miser and the glutton are two facetious buzzards: one hides his store, and the other stores his hide.”
“It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven.”
“Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.”
“If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.”
“It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit.”
“Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.”
“Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.”
“Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.”
“Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist -- it reduces him to his fighting weight.”
“Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.”
“I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.”
“Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.”
“The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.”
“I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most certain of the first time.”
“The more humble a man is before God the more he will be exalted; the more humble he is before man, the more he will get rode roughshod.”
“If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it as the old woman did her lost spectacles. Safe on her own nose all the time.”
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”