“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”
“A man can learn only two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.”
“Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment.”
“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.”
“The Republicans have their splits right after election and Democrats have theirs just before an election.”
“The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.”
“People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.”
“It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out the next morning that it was someone else.”
“Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you do not know when it is through if you are a crook or a martyr.”
“Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.”
“The reason political party platforms are so long is that when you straddle anything it takes a long time to explain it.”
“Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up. If it don't go up, don't buy it.”
“In the early days of the Indian Territory, there were no such things as birth certificates. You being there was certificate enough.”
“The person with the best job in the country is the vice president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ''How is the president?''”
“In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write, but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.”
“The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.”