“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”
“Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.”
“The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession, but carrying a banner.”
“History is strewn thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill, but a lie, well told, is immortal.”
“A joke, even if it be a lame one, is nowhere so keenly relished or quickly applauded as in a murder trial.”
“Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”
“There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.”
“The human race was always interesting and we know by its past that it will always continue so, monotonously.”
“We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the human race.”
“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”
“A man can seldom -- very, very, seldom -- fight a winning fight against his training; the odds are too heavy.”
“On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined.”
“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”
“It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
“I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won t.”
“The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so.”
“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
“There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.”
“I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.”
“Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season.”
“The way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.”
“To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man's character one must judge it by the standards of his time, not ours.”
“More than once I had seen a noble who had gotten his enemy at a disadvantage stop to pray before cutting his throat.”
“If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people.”
“The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes.”
“We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world.”
“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.”
“It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.”
“Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing, but cabbage with a college education.”
“I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”