“There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.”
“To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler and less trouble.”
“Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.”
“He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.”
“There isn't a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled as ''American.''”
“The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them.”
“Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered -- either by themselves or by others.”
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
“Temperate temperance is best; intemperate temperance injures the cause of temperance.”
“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.”
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
“Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”
“There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.”
“The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.”
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
“When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
“It is nobler to be good, and it is nobler to teach others to be good -- and less trouble!”
“We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.”
“What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.”
“Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied.”
“I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.”
“I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.”
“A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be lead by the nose.”
“Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.”
“One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.”
“A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.”
“I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.”
“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”
“Noise proves nothing, Often a hen who has laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
“A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.”