“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.”
“I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.”
“Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.”
“People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases.”
“If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.”
“If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.”
“I don't give a damn for man that can spell a word only one way.”
“Obscurity and competence: That is the life that is worth living.”
“There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined.”
“When one has tasted it [Watermelon] he knows what the angels eat.”
“Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerve give to wisdom.”
“Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.”
“It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.”
“A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.”
“If you are speaking the truth you don't have to remember anything.”
“When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.”
“When you cannot get a compliment in any other way pay yourself one.”
“Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.”
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
“Out of the unconscious lips of babes and sucklings are we satirized.”
“The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.”
“There are German songs which can make a stranger to the language cry.”
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”
“Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.”
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.”
“I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed.”
“No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.”
“If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.”
“Man is a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.”
“There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.”