“Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.”
“You perceive I generalize with intrepidity from single instances. It is the tourist's custom.”
“Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.''”
“A soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty.”
“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -- you see, I have friends in both places.”
“To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.”
“The banging and slamming and booming and crashing were something beyond belief. [On Lohengrin]”
“Public opinion is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.”
“The cross of the Legion of Honor has been conferred on me. However, few escape that distinction.”
“To stop smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know; I've done it a thousand times.”
“Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either.”
“I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.”
“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.”
“Intellectual ''work'' is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward.”
“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
“Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you.”
“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
“When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.”
“It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.”
“I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.”
“Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”
“The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.”
“A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation.”
“I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.”
“Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.”
“The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.”
“Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.”
“Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of them.”
“To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did, I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.”
“Why is it that we rejoice at birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.”