“Don't steal; thou it never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.”
“Destiny. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.”
“Beauty. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.”
“The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors.”
“Physician -- One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.”
“Confidante. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.”
“Divorce. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.”
“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
“Abscond. To ''move'' in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.”
“Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.”
“Abstainer. A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.”
“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”
“Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.”
“An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.”
“Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.”
“Duty. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.”
“Deliberation. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.”
“Peace, in international affairs, is a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.”
“The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.”
“Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.”
“They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.”
“Bigot, one who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.”
“An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
“A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.”
“Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.”
“Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.”
“Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
“Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.”
“A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be.”