“A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
“Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.”
“Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”
“A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.”
“The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
“Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”
“Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.”
“Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.”
“Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
“Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.”
“Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.”
“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.”
“Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”
“Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.”
“Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.”
“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
“Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”
“Absurdity. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.”
“Opiate. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.”
“Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.”
“A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who has no gills.”
“Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”
“Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.”
“The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.”
“Corporation. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
“Genealogy. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.”
“Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.”
“Education is that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
“Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.”
“Faith. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”